As Bright As My Love For You
by Raspberrydoll
Summary: “His words had resonated something so deep in me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him or what he said to me many moons ago.”


I couldn't sleep, I woke up in a cold a sweat and shaky limbs. I keep getting plagued by nightmares because of my anxiety. Every where I look or turn I feel as if something bad is going to happen. I feel as if everything is about to end. That I am going to end. There are times when I get anxiety stomach aches and at times I don't know if it's just that, anxiety, or if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I hate this constant feeling of unease and discomfort. I sigh heavily in despair but then I remember it's just a nightmare. I run a hand down my face and remind myself of what I have been practicing to calm myself.

Deep breaths.

Inhale.

One.

Two.

Three.

Exhale.

With a shaky breath, I reach over to my nightstand and grab my hearing aid. Once it's at the volume I need it at, I place it on my ear then I get up to make my way towards the kitchen. I feel parched, at the rate these nightmares keep appearing I am going to end up dehydrated from the constant sweating.

Opening the door to the fridge, I reach for a bottle of water and down the whole thing in a few gulps. I drink it as if I haven't had anything to drink in days. After I am done with that one, I chuck the bottle into the recycling bin then I reach for another but don't drink it just yet. This is what happens when I end up stuck with nightmares. I get up and then make my way out to the hill near the UA dorms. Once outside I practice my breathing some more. I take small sips of water to ease the pain in my stomach then I begin to count. I count how many days of the weekdays there are left until the weekend. Then I realize what I'm doing because counting school days leads to counting things that I need to get done, assignments, and training, etcétera which does not help the unease or my nerves. It triggers my stress therefore triggering my heart to palpitate as if it wants to escape from my ribcage.

I stop myself from going around in circles again, I remember something Kirishima taught me. He told me that whenever I start to feel shaky and anxious, other than deep breaths, to look at the earth and the elements surrounding it.

He told me that I needed to look at things in the way the sun, the air, the rain and the clouds work.

"Just because you feel anxious and feel like your world is crumbling or you don't feel like you're in control, remember that it is not. Remember that everyday is different. You are not your anxiety. You are not your bad days. Remember that when there are windy, rainy, or stormy days there is sunlight lingering behind all that trying to break through."

His words had resonated something so deep in me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him or what he said to me many moons ago during that particular bad anxiety attack ever since.

He spoke those words to me when he had found me in the locker rooms. I had just taken a shower after a grueling day of training and I felt like I didn't train hard enough. I felt like I didn't belong in the hero course anymore. That my quirk was too weak and I would never make a great hero. Never be like All Might. Never meet the expectations of the people who I look up to and are teaching me. Never meet my own goals or standards.

From there my thoughts spiraled and before I could try to calm myself down, my body took over. I began to panic and shake and cry. I couldn't breathe feeling nothing but fear and misery in that moment until I felt a strong pair of arms grabbing me by the shoulders yelling my name. After that day he started to worry. I had never told anyone that I was actually medically diagnosed with this stupid mental illness but he was one of my best friends, he's come to my rescue once before and I trusted him so I came clean to him and told him.

He understood where I was coming from. He told me something about himself I never knew about either. He felt that since I told him something personal he would do the same. He suffered from his own demons. He confesssed he had depression and that he faced the same fears as me. Only with worse thoughts just not as daily as mine. He said he went to a therapist to manage it.

I was surprised to say the least but I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to share something personal with me. I never knew that I could relate to someone as much I could with him even before I knew of his personal struggles. He's always treated me like an equal. Never looked down on me. Never made me feel like I'm weak.

I'm pacing slowly up and down the hill staring down at the city until my legs feel tired. I sit down on the grass placing my water bottle down beside me and as I look up at the sky my thoughts begin to clear and the nightmare from earlier and the fear associated with it begins to ebb away. Once I look up I see that the sky is clear tonight and there are stars everywhere dotting the night sky.

It actually brings a smile to my face. I think about how to us down here on earth they look absolutely beautiful when really up there it's just a big ball of gas that can kill you if you get too close. But then I think of Kirishima and my smile spreads even wider. His words bounce back and forth in my mind every time I begin to feel better and my anxiety starts to subside.

I reach for my bottle of water when I hear a rustle. I look behind me ready to jump and fight when I notice a hint of red hair.

"Kirishima..." I say "you scared me."

He's the only one that I will probably ever say those words to. And he knows not to say anything.

"Sorry man, I didn't mean to" he says runnng his hands through his hair and as he does I note that his hands are shaking "I'm guessing you couldn't sleep either?" He asks

I shake my head then motion for him to sit down next to me. I hesitate to look at him because I don't know what is going through his mind at the moment. I don't know if it's just bad thoughts he has bouncing around his head or if he had a bad dream too. I don't want to accidentally upset him so I try figure what's wrong with a safe and simple question.

"Is it one of your bad days?" I whisper looking at his shaky hands again.

He simply looks at me and nods then looks up at the sky.

"You'll be okay, you know." I say to him, hoping my anxiousness and worry for him isn't written all over my face or laced in my voice.

But as I look at him, he smiles that smile that I have grown to love so much. His eyes look sad but I know he's trying. His smile is what makes my day better. The one that he shares with me because of what we know about each other. One that says I'm trying my best. The one that says I am here for you. A secret smile that is not so secret but remains between us. The smile that says you will be okay and so will I.

"I know." He says simply

We both sit in comfortable silence and before I know it he scoots over to sit close to me. I look at him eyebrows raised in surprise but he doesn't say anything so I just let him. It doesn't bother me anyway.

"Can you tell me about the Big Bang again?"

My surprise turns to a chuckle as I look at him. He has a hint of blush creeping up on his skin so I do. Today must be a particularly bad day, I can tell when he asks this question because he doesn't want to rant or vent about his feelings. He wants distraction from it. He is my friend and I will tell him this story as many times as he wants. I clear my throat.

"Well, first there was nothing, then there was everything. Lots of atoms and stars and galaxies exploding to create new ones. Eventually our solar system was formed." I tell him

Only this time he asks a follow-up question when he usually does not. He is usually quiet trying to work out the turmoil that plagues him.

"So, basically, we are all recycled stardust?" He asks

I look over to him and he's giving me an unreadable look.

"Yep" I say to put it in simple words but then "Well, not everyone." I say

I hope he knows what I am doing and hopefully he understands what I am trying to confess. Even during a bad day, I want him to know because he deserves it.

"Not everyone?" He asks. I always keep it at "Yep" then move on but not tonight.

"Not you."

"What do you mean?" He asks. Brows furrowed in confusion. He's biting his lip, his tell whenever he's nervous.

"You are more like a sun." I say

"You think I'm like the sun?" He asks

"NO. Not our sun, our sun is shrimpy. You are like a sun. Bigger. Like... a red giant. It shines brighter and it's redder and every time I look at you it makes my eyes hurt..." I can feel my face getting hot and I begin to sputter. "But that's just a theory. For all we know we could be a simulation in some asshole's lab." I tell him

I turn to look at him and his unreadable expression turns sheepish. For a moment he forgets his bad thoughts. For a moment, I hope, he's feeling something else entirely.

"That was smooth as shit." He says laughing and a blush creeps up his neck. He stopped chewing his lip and a small smile appears at the corners of his mouth once his laughter dies down. It's the loveliest sound.

"Shut up, shitty hair." I mutter feeling somewhat embarrassed.

"No, really. I'm charmed" He says looking at me then we both burst out into a fit of silent laughter.

"Well, you know I am not good at this stuff so I decided to try a different approach."

"Approach?" He asks as he wipes a tear from his eye.

"To tell you just how special you are, how special you are to me." I say giving him a gentle smile. I look away to look up at the stars again bringing my knees up against my chest and hug them.

At this, he is at a loss for words.

His silence isn't uncomfortable. I know it takes him a little while to think of what he wants to say or do on days like today. I know it's hard for him to concentrate sometimes through all the fog. He still doesn't say anything. I know once his inner turmoil passes he'll respond. When he is ready. I can wait. I have time. There's many things that do not give me anxiety and that's the guy sitting next to me.

After a few minutes, I feel him move beside me then I feel a warmth on my arm. I look to my side and he's already hooking his arm through the gap where my elbow and knee is and he's leaning his head against my shoulder. I place my cheek against the top of his head and simply sit and gaze. My heart is beating a mile a minute and not in the usual bad way.

"Is this okay?" I ask uncertain. I'm not always sure I'm great with comfort but I try my best to be there for him whenever he needs it.

"It's perfect." He says so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. I reach up behind my ear and tap my hearing aid for good measure. If he decides he wants to talk I want to make sure I don't miss a word.

We don't say anything else after that because we don't always need words. Our actions are loud enough to do the talking. We sit on the hill a while longer before we have to go back inside, we sit looking up at the sky and forget about our troubles knowing we'll always be here for each other and know we will always try to have great and happy days.


End file.
